I wondered if anyone has felt their natural personality is unloved where they lived, and thus adapted (or as a child, were directed to adapt) to project an image that doesn't represent who you are. What I've noticed is that if you do this for long enough, it becomes hard to distinguish the real and the unreal in your own mind, and you become the character you create.
This has happened to me and it screwed me up for years. I live in a country which values stoicism, politeness, reliability, continuity and, well, for the lack of a better word, averageness. It is a sin to stick out, make a noise, burn sofas, moan so loud that your orgasms wake the neighbours, let alone dare to mention that you want a toilet in your house that is made out of solid 24-carat gold. You are uncouth, too extreme, and just repulsive.
However as a child and a teen, I had to adapt simply to survive, so I shut most of this down and put on a facade of cool, logical detachment. This made me somewhat of an awkward loner but it kept me out of trouble. Unfortunately, it also meant that people around me misread me in a different way, and couldn't figure out what I really desired and wanted. Instead of encouraging me to explore my music and my sexual...needs, my family kept pushing me academically. They could see my talent and the results coming in made them happy.
But as soon as I started to live on my own I lost interest in that. Depression and a lack of clear purpose did not help; I am still on a journey, trying to rediscover who I really am and shake off all the old demons and unhealthy patterns that were forced upon me. Unfortunately, my true self, when it arises, create dissonance where I live. Without meaning to, I make people feel insecure by being too intense, too shocking, too brash and not patient enough...on and on it goes, but I hate to change because this is who I am and how I love to be. I don't mean to upset anyone. All I am doing is expressing how I feel. It does not help being a man either, because women here seem to highly value men who are moderate, easy-going, a bit reserved and not overtly sexual. How boring.
To come back to my main point, what saved me from taking these criticisms to heart are my experiences overseas. I have been around the world and felt so much easier. So I know that there are people out there who love what I have to offer, they admire me, but they're not here.
So in my roundabout way what's I'm asking is this: have you ever felt like you mistype or have done in the past, for similar reasons? If so I'd be interested to hear why - what particular functions you think are valued/unvalued in your society, and how did this affect you? In my case this is largely a Se vs Si problem.
This has happened to me and it screwed me up for years. I live in a country which values stoicism, politeness, reliability, continuity and, well, for the lack of a better word, averageness. It is a sin to stick out, make a noise, burn sofas, moan so loud that your orgasms wake the neighbours, let alone dare to mention that you want a toilet in your house that is made out of solid 24-carat gold. You are uncouth, too extreme, and just repulsive.
However as a child and a teen, I had to adapt simply to survive, so I shut most of this down and put on a facade of cool, logical detachment. This made me somewhat of an awkward loner but it kept me out of trouble. Unfortunately, it also meant that people around me misread me in a different way, and couldn't figure out what I really desired and wanted. Instead of encouraging me to explore my music and my sexual...needs, my family kept pushing me academically. They could see my talent and the results coming in made them happy.
But as soon as I started to live on my own I lost interest in that. Depression and a lack of clear purpose did not help; I am still on a journey, trying to rediscover who I really am and shake off all the old demons and unhealthy patterns that were forced upon me. Unfortunately, my true self, when it arises, create dissonance where I live. Without meaning to, I make people feel insecure by being too intense, too shocking, too brash and not patient enough...on and on it goes, but I hate to change because this is who I am and how I love to be. I don't mean to upset anyone. All I am doing is expressing how I feel. It does not help being a man either, because women here seem to highly value men who are moderate, easy-going, a bit reserved and not overtly sexual. How boring.
To come back to my main point, what saved me from taking these criticisms to heart are my experiences overseas. I have been around the world and felt so much easier. So I know that there are people out there who love what I have to offer, they admire me, but they're not here.
So in my roundabout way what's I'm asking is this: have you ever felt like you mistype or have done in the past, for similar reasons? If so I'd be interested to hear why - what particular functions you think are valued/unvalued in your society, and how did this affect you? In my case this is largely a Se vs Si problem.