Member Questionnaire (TrappedEscapist)

Beauty is subjective, but I suppose there are universals too. Nothing surpasses the beauty of nature; a pine-cloaked mountain range, the Pacific coast on a foggy day, bare tree branches supporting the first heavy wet snowfall of winter. Beauty is also the moments which elude time itself and there is nothing that matters more in the world than a warm body next to you and the smile that crawls across your face. Or wait... is that love? Love is also subjective, no one agrees on a definition of love. I believe love is a rare bond paired with a dedication that enables you to choose another daily.

Honesty. That far surpasses the others. And by honesty, I mean truth + being yourself, as best you can at least. I know that's hard sometimes when you are trying to figure out who that is.

I am an atheist but I am spiritual. Actually, I struggle to be spiritual at times because I am easily weighed down by life, but spirituality remains important to me regardless of how effective my efforts are. I used to believe in a god, or I tried to at least, but I realized that it was completely illogical and that mankind holds a variety of beliefs to heart and that none of them can be more right than the next (I'm over-simplifying, but you get the point). Deities aren't necessary for spirituality, but I respect the beliefs of others (within reason, hate and abuse are not tolerable).

Oh man... the thirst for power or "more" is at the root of all evil. Yet evil is intrinsic to mankind. Therefore, perhaps militaries and war are a necessary evil? Power to me is escaping the grip of power, whether it be external or internal.

I will talk about anything that peaks reflection, introspection, or opens my perspective a bit. I have specific and somewhat narrow interests though, as in I tend to obsessively research the same topics, namely personality theory. I am also interested in disease, specifically its connection to diet and the immune system, and incorporating a mind-body thing as well. I often randomly Google whatever piques my interest and then move on if it isn't overly complicated.

I think I answered that above, but the short answer is "yes." I would have made a great holistic doctor (I will shank you if you completely shun the idea of holistic medicine, because clearly that indicates that you have a poor and ignorant view of the approach).

Ugh, I think I should have done them a week ago, yet I continue to not do just that...

I really fucking suck at reading entire books. I am however a serial researcher and typically spend HOURS daily learning about whatever has grasped my attention for the time being. Yes I have a job. No I don't live in my parents basement. As for film and TV, I love sort of dark and theoretical or mysterious productions. I am currently enthralled by Mr. Robot (TV series) and Mindhunters (TV series). I love movies like Donnie Darko and Her, where there is plenty of room for analysis, but I also like dumb comedies and even The Notebook, but not the part where they are fucking old because that ruins the rest of it. The Leftovers was a great TV series too, and I watch The Walking Dead and Sherlock. Moriarty is my favorite.

What doesn't make me cry? What actually makes me smile?

Kidding. Or maybe not.

I do cry about a lot, basically any emotion that overwhelms me. I am quite sensitive, although I probably look like an asshole to many. I smile mostly when I laugh, but I also smile when I feel warm and cozy with a lover or hug my children when they are silly or cute. I'm not an overly smiley person and I hate myself when I fake smile for any reason, which I do on rare occasions.

I have a hard time totally surrendering to a moment, but I do try to do so in nature. I also feel more "in the moment" when I drink, which probably says a lot. I generally don't feel a sense of belonging, to be honest. Authentic love has provided me with these feelings though. Even if I feel comfortable among others, it is probably because I am being witty or slightly entertaining (again... typical of alcohol consumption). I give very few people my time.

I am pretty reactive. I can be rather sensitive, emotionally and to criticism. I try my best to keep an open mind, but it can be touchy. I am prone to tearing up or completely shutting down. I hate that I am impatient, irritable, and moody, particularly that my anger/frustration creep out so fucking easily. I also have a tendency to be either very lazy or not aggressively chase my dreams. I can be too assertive or alternatively sit and fester in my dissatisfaction.

I'd probably be able to answer this better if I let more people close to me or perhaps cut myself a little slack. I think that my honesty is apparent, I have a way of being authentically raw. I don't mind putting my flaws and struggles out there, to some extent. Sometimes I feel deep regret afterwards and wish I could take back my display of vulnerability, but overall I think it is for the better as pain are other feelings are inherent and universal. Most who know my better side think I am funny, insightful, intelligent, witty, and perhaps original or different than most women. I like these things about me, even if I suck at acknowledging them.

I want to feel okay with myself. I want to not be stuck in myself anymore and I want to find my passion and creativity. I need my purpose in life. I don't want to wither away.

I AM in a rut! Well, I mean it could be worse, it HAS been worse, but still... I am dissatisfied with my position in life. I hate my job, I feel stuck in it, I feel like I lack the resources and support to go after what I want. I feel like wasted potential.

I LOVE authenticity. I can see that shit a mile away. Even if you are fucking dark or weird or awkward, if you are real, then I like you. What types do I get along with? I get along most with independent thinkers, rebels, SJWs (to an extent). I like people who try to get to know me, because I am not good at initiating that (I didn't even realize that until I just typed that). I like people who are dry, witty, punny, or perhaps grounded, honest, and patient. I like people who are fucked up and open about it but also don't give in to it completely. I like people who express themselves somehow.

I fucking love sex, but I can't participate unless I have feelings first. As much as I don't want to admit it, looks are probably #1. Or perhaps tied at #1 with personality. I need an honest partner who is willing to be real with me and dedicate himself to self-exploration, meaning he needs to be aware of his own shit, or try to be at least. I like patient but very strong men. I like a man who can protect me if necessary, but would never hurt me. I love intelligence and a good sense of humor, and a decent sense of style.

I am a parent and I am really quite hard on myself. I want my children to be comfortable with who they are and I want to foster appreciation of their individual strengths. I want to encourage them to chase their dreams and be strong-willed. I want them to be kind and understanding and open-minded. I am not always great at being a patient supportive parent, but I do try and I think my good moments balance my less-than-perfect moments fairly well. Maybe.

I cringe inside, but I usually will keep it to myself unless it is a severe offense. I understand that all people come from different backgrounds and that ignorance is a very real thing. I am very forgiving of most smaller offenses for this reason. Generally, this isn't a huge issue because most of my friends are halfway decent people. People who *really* rub me the wrong way will either get the cold shoulder or hear about it.

Oh god. I don't relate to that many people on a personal level. I am very... differentiated? I am like an island observing the mainland. I like when I come across other islands. I think people either settle for too little or chase after the wrong things, although I suppose desires are subjective. People are materialistic or sometimes too simple. Occasionally, I wish I could be satisfied with simple, but the feeling is brief and usually only when I feel overwhelmed with my own complexity. There are other broader social issues at hand, but I find peace in not devoting too much energy to them.

I honestly am lacking in this department quite a bit. I have ONE friend that I hang out with on occasion. I feel like I can only be my fun self if I drink a little, which I recognize is an issue and points directly to my overall discomfort in my own skin. However, when I am able to manage this anxiety, I can be quite witty and playful, with an obvious undertone of jadedness. I am self-deprecating and like to playfully tease others. I like quick-wit and banter. Usually though, I am more low-key and somewhat grumpy (I think it's depression, to be honest).

I am either completely comfortable and witty (geeze, here comes the booze again), or awkward and quiet and tense, or somewhat in between. I know... this is a shitty answer and doesn't narrow it down much.

I have social anxiety that comes and goes with no rhyme or reason, so sometimes I am "on," and sometimes I am "off." The booze isn't necessary, but it tends to help. I assure you I drink lightly to moderately, no need to stage an intervention. I am just openly admitting that the presence of alcohol helps me get outside of myself sometimes.